New Hampshire: What Newcomers Need To Know

Mike Vine News & Views

New Hampshire is a state in the Atlantic Northeast of the United States. States that border it include Maine (the colder, more lobstery New Hampshire), Vermont (New Hampshire’s evil twin), and Massachusetts (an inferior, square-ish version of New Hampshire). These states are all a part of “New England” and were some of the first colonies to become states.

According to American legend, New Hampshire surfaces from the depths of the ocean every four years at election time, when it is then paid an inordinate amount of attention for two-to-four weeks before sinking back into the murky, mystical land of Libertaria. At the primaries, often as much as sixty percent of New Hampshirites show up to vote.

It is an un-diverse state with its ethnic population growing to as much as -1,000,000% in the past four years. New Hampshire parents tell their children that if they capture an ethnic minority he will grant them three wishes and then disappear.

It is known as “the Granite State,” though Vermont actually possesses more granite in its soil than New Hampshire. Some New Hampshire icons include moose, lobster, maple tree leaves, and the late Old Man of the Mountain (a face-like protrusion from rockface locate at “the Notch”; this natural formation was lost to the state shortly after being printed on all New Hampshire license plates and the New Hampshire quarter, when the thing finally fell off the damn mountain).

Much of New Hampshire is agricultural and poorly-populated. Some almost-well-known cities, however, include Manchester (Manch Vegas), Nashua (Nausea), and Concord as the state capitol.

Though New Hampshire is thought of as a backwards-ass hickstate and is known to be fiscally conservative, the state is surprisingly socially liberal. As of January 2008, same-sex civil unions are now permitted. Lesser known than this, the state is actually home to some trailblazing legislature in the areas of mental health and domestic violence.

New Hampshire is a strongly libertarian state and even has a libertarian party. Close to fifty percent of voters are registered independent.

Arguably the most interesting thing about the state to those who move there is a lack of zoning laws. Laconia, NH is a particularly remarkable city where even fastfood chains can own lakefront property. In other parts of the state, one can easily observe mobile homes directly next to mansions.

New Hampshirites have esteem for only one-to-three other states, varying with the occasion and context. These states are Maine (often held in high esteem for its relative northness), Vermont (occasionally held in esteem for its New Hampshirey qualities), and Minnesota (sometimes held in esteem for its epic coldness). Visitors from Massachusetts often receive only disdain from New Hampshire natives, who insist that those from Mass (often called “Massholes”) only visit so they can buy New Hampshire’s relatively cheap vices (liquor, lottery tickets, tobacco), drive like crap all over New Hampshire’s roads, and ski like crap all down New Hampshire’s mountains.

New Hampshirites are a proud people whose motto is to “live free or die.” With no seatbelt or helmet laws over age eighteen, some make the case that the state motto ought to be “live free AND die.”

“Let’s get some maple syrup and New Hampshah it up in heah!”
Translation: “Let’s get some maple syrup and New Hampshire it up in here!”